The saving grace of God

I was bought up in a home that regularly attended church and were so called Christians however I never embraced the fullness of what that meant. Emotions were not readily expressed in my household and as a result they became suppressed and I struggled to walk in truth and found myself living in a web of lies and self-deceit.

At the age of 26 I’d just come out of an engagement after 5 years of ‘relationship’ lived outside of Gods covenant plan for my life. My boyfriend became more and more controlling and possessive so I ended the relationship even though I really loved him and that was an extremely difficult and painful time. I also experienced a bereavement of a teenage boy who had grown up around my family who died in a car crash. It didn’t take long before unresolved grief and pain pushed me over the edge and led me to make some very destructive choices.

I had always been ambitious and worked for a good recruitment agency and was doing well. I also seemingly had it all together; nice car, job and dwellings however these external things were not feeding a very deep need within me that I unknowingly had that could only be fed by God.

I’d never really been much of a party goer however that soon changed and I started to let my hair down as I called it and socialize more. One Friday night after work I went out with some of my colleagues to a club were they played house music. That night they were taking drugs and I asked if I could have what I thought was a speed tablet as I had done this once before in my teens. I didn’t realize what I was letting myself in for. The next time I went out with these girls I said could I have one of those speed tablets I had last time. She looked at me in shock and explained to me that it was ecstasy. It was then my turn to be in shock WHAT..I didn’t even realise that’s what I’d taken. It didn’t stop me from taking it again that night now knowingly and scared that I might die because of what happened to Leah Betts who was a young teenager who died after taking one E. I soon got over that and became more accustomed to taking them.

My behaviour changed noticeably and not for the better. I had a personality transplant for the worse!!! I had come downs that lasted 3-4 days that were not pleasant and really affected my behaviour and I would get vivid hallucinations days sometimes weeks after taking drugs. One of them was of a former housemate and her boyfriend coming into my bedroom whilst I slept; which I even voiced as a concern at the time much to their bemusement! Yep oh dear! In the beginning I didn’t even like house music but I fast got used to it and started to like the sound. I also got many new ` friends` who loved to Party and take drugs as well. I became someone who lived for the weekend! That became my purpose, my life, my everything.

All my good friendships were polluted by my desire to take drugs and as a result I fell out of touch with several very good friends including my best friend who I tried to entice into that lifestyle. Thankfully I failed to do that! They were deeply concerned and impacted by the changes they could see in me. My family were also deeply affected and troubled from what they could see was happening to me in view of my life and the personality changes. I maintained that I was not on drugs throughout that time and was okay!! A period of nearly five years.

I can remember going out with £500 over one weekend and being unable to afford a cab home on a Sunday night when I wanted to go home! What a waste of money. Waking up in a car not knowing where I am; being driven in a car by my friend who was high and passing out in the car with the image of him swerving all over the road; it’s a miracle we made it back to my house alive. I also started to ignore my debts which started to build up whilst having an unrealistic approach to my finances and living in a fantasy land whilst my life was collapsing around me. I’d spend Friday to Monday morning in a club and in someone else’s house. It soon spilled into the weekday as well and just started to dominate my life completely. I became unstable, erratic, unreliable and distant to those around me.

I can recall leaving work on a Friday and going into work on Monday having partied nonstop for the whole weekend and still high and on no sleep and coming up on an e whilst in a staff performance meeting and having to make my excuses and leave because it must have been so obvious that I was on something. I even moved into the house of someone I at the time fancied as part of a house share with other people who had the same interests as me ‘Party and drugs!’. With drugs in my system I could drink copious amounts of alcohol without getting drunk and I smoked very heavily not just cigarettes but weed and skunk which began to make me feel very paranoid. A friend of mine had started to hear voices smoking those drugs so I stopped as I saw I could end up going the same way. One night out I had a drug related heart attack (unofficially) which left me Ill for 6 weeks; did I go to the hospital; no it didn’t occur to me; I went home after partying some more whilst still in immense pain! During that period I was determined to reclaim my health and exercised and fought my way back to fitness despite the dizziness; pain and sickness. Still that didn’t stop me!

A typical weekend of drug taking for me could be up to 20 E’s which is extremely dangerous and my friends did the same sometimes we’d do more than that!! There was a particular batch of E’s which I was really hooked on and later found out that they had heroine in them. I’ve also taken drugs that have been laced with LSD causing really vivid hallucinations. And towards the end of my addiction I’d also take MDMA, ketamine, cocaine and binge drink on top of it which is very dangerous. The mixture of cocaine and alcohol creates a chemical in the liver which is called cocaethylene which can trigger a number of potentially fatal health risks including sudden death.

This cycle ended in a very bad relationship that nearly saw me banged up in jail through association with someone who was a drug dealer; who went to prison after being found driving what was identified as a car he had stolen; with huge amounts of coke stashed in the vehicle. We were both arrested at the time (I was never charged and do not have a criminal record) and he went to prison and was later sentenced to five years in prison. The police knew that it wasn’t me dealing coke however because I wouldn’t offer him up I had to go to court in what was a very lengthy and stressful process. My life of fast and destructive living had come to a head. It was after all this had happened that I was then able to slow down and thanks to the prayers of my siblings and the regular invitations to church from my younger brother that I am here today.

The ramifications of myself destructive behavior really hit home. I began to feel very ill around the time that the court case began and really struggled with my health for many years afterwards. I had contracted a stomach bug called helicobacter pylori and it was vicious. I had so many symptoms it was ridiculous and I felt exhausted if I didn’t sleep for at least 10 hours. It wasn’t until 2011 that I was diagnosed and treated however after the treatment I was left with severe irritable bowel syndrome. I mean you tell me, where is the fun in that?

Many of my friends now still struggle with the stomach issue Irritable bowel syndrome and one suffers from epileptic seizures on a regular basis. The most shocking and distressing consequence was my friend Robert who became schizophrenic as a result of all the drugs he took; convinced that all women are the devil he murdered a prostitute and is currently serving time in prison.

John 10:10-11Amplified Bible (AMP)
10 The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].
11 [a]I am the Good Shepherd. The Good Shepherd [b]lays down His [own]life for the sheep.

I’ve had to rebuild my life with God’s help and the support of my friends and spiritual family (includes my family). My relationship with God has transformed everything about me and looking back I realised that God protected me from a lot. I’d been in so many dangerous situations but he covered me! I’m so thankful that today I’m healthy, have a good family, blessed relationships, a good job, I’m totally healed of IBS because God healed my body one Saturday during a night vigil!! On my journey I’ve learned that my heavenly Father loves me unconditionally no matter what, has always been there for me and sees me through eyes of love.

Psalm 55:22Amplified Bible (AMP)
22 Cast your burden on the Lord [release it] and He will sustain and uphold you;He will never allow the righteous to be shaken (slip, fall, fail).

2 Corinthians 5:17Amplified Bible (AMP)
17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him by faith in Him as Savior], he is a new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings a new life].

Today I no longer run from emotional pain or trauma I face it with God. I come into his presence and tell him how I’m feeling and ask for help to walk out the emotions in way that releases them in a healthy way. And with that seek support and pray from my church family that has really had an impact and kept me going. Throughout my life I’ve always had a crutch first smoking cigarettes; wrong relationships; drugs; alcohol mainly wines and spirits. The only spirit I now want to be filled with is Holy Spirit our helper; enabler, comforter and so much more. I have experienced the healing power of God in my life; he has given me victory.

I’m really thankful to be alive and that I am able to stand here today and share my testimony with you all. A life in Christ makes all the difference and he can do the same for each of you here today. Will you let him turn your tragedy into a testimony? If you’re here today and don’t yet have relationship with Jesus; I recommend you say YES it’s the best decision I’ve made in my life to date and at 37 years of age; it’s the happiest I’ve ever been and I’m not turning back!